Alot of people distance themselves from people the deem useless for staying in an abusive relationship. This is for you. The person who still loves, but doesn't understand.
You may have tried giving them ultimatums, offering money, a home a plane ticket. You may have put yourself in harm trying to make them leave.
And you've learnt that it doesn't work. You can't make them leave. They have to be ready and willing to do the work.
All abuse affects people emotionally/mentally. Most abuse is coupled with gas-lighting which is a form of manipulation aimed to make the person feel crazy and not trust themselves. It also can make the person isolated and socially anxious.
So here's a few reasons people stay.
1 - they love their partner. Simple. 2 - they lack confidence to live life on their own. The capacity to make money and friends especially. 3 - they are fucking scared. Breakups escalate abuse. This is definitely a volatile time. 4 - they are resigned. Tired. Exhausted. Barely hanging in there. What's the point anyway? 5 - they lack a belief that better exists and they don't believe they deserve better. 6 - They think abuse is normal and they have minimized and normalized it. "it only happens sometimes" "its not that often". 7 - they don't want people to dislike the partner. They still want to protect his reputation because they still believe he/she is a good person. 8 - they have strong beliefs that you don't leave your children's parent. Or end a marriage. Their loyalty to another is stronger than the loyalty to themselves. 9 - they have been threatened. Either with a family members safety, the children being taken from them or their own safety.
If you broke down every single one of these, you would see that words and ultimatums, money and a safe home is not enough for them to make that break.
They need support and they need to WANT it. The best you can do is learn about abuse so you can be there for them without harming your life, without isolating them and with the faith that when they are ready to make the break... You've got them.
To those who have broken free, I salute you. If you've done it before, you CAN do it again.
I Am Walking Proof
My first boyfriend was actually crazy. When I finally decided to leave, it wasn't because I had the strength it was because I realised if I did not I would die. He then proceeded to chase me around, smash car windows on me, burn all my underwear, slash up my bed mattress so on so forth. I had him put away. Now, I did not have children with him so it was far far easier than what it is like with children. I've sat at the end of a long country driveway trembling with my child shaking in the dark. It's a very different feeling. Get support. Don't just think you have to stay. Please.
Can You Really Have Freedom?
YES YOU CAN have all these things, I am living this life right now. A life where I spend most my days feeling gratitude and love. Days full of connection with deep friendships. Doing work that I adore and that excites me deeply. Feeling in love with my daughter and at peace co-parenting. Knowing that my daughter has more connection with both her parents now than she ever did before. Isn’t that the goal?
Children need you to be yourself. When you know how to be confident within yourself as a empathetic present parent and you have turned up your intuition, you will be that person in your family that can show others how it is a possibility. You will be the key for changing the entire dynamics. You can forgive your parents for the things they did not know, and teach them new ways.
You will find that you start to create again, find hobbies and enjoy life again. To create again. To play with your children. To laugh. To have incredible sex once again. To feel amazing naked. To dance in the mirror. You will start to get back on your true path and begin to accept yourself as a whole. The dark, and the light. Don’t you want this?